Scene I, act I

Mother just finished in the shower as toddler enters:

Toddler: "I need a wee-wee!"
Mother: "Well, you just go right ahead!"
Toddler: "You sorted your fanny out, mummy?"
Mother: "Ehem... yeah, I've sorted my fanny out..."
Toddler: "'cos you have poorly fanny..."
Mother: "eeeh... hmmm... yeah, mummy has poorly fanny..."
Toddler: "Why?"
Mother: "Ehem... because..." [frantically trying to find the right words]
Toddler: "'Cos the dentist?"
Mother: "What?"
Toddler: "Mummy been to dentist?"
Mother: "Have you been drinking, child?"
Toddler: "Nooooo. Silly mummy! Me weeing!"
Mother: "Oh, okay."
Toddler: "Why your bottom red, mummy? 'Cos it's poorly?"
Mother: "No. That's because I've just had a warm shower, sweetie... Are you finished weeing yet? Shall I wipe you so you can go see daddy and Arthur?"
Toddler: "mmmm"
Mother: "Okay, well, let me wipe you then!"
Toddler: [points to pad] "Is that your nappy?"
Mother: "Well, no – it's not a nappy – it's a pad."
Toddler: "Why you have pad? For poorly fanny?"
Mother: "Yes, it's for poorly fanny... Why don't you go find your daddy now?!"

[Exeunt Toddler]


Scene I, act II

– later same evening:

Toddler: "Me want to see!"
”Mother: "What do you want to see, darling?"
Toddler: "Me want to see your nappy!"



I have thrush. Never had the (dis)pleasure before, but now find myself wondering why women up and down the world are not protesting in great numbers that medical science are not focusing all their energy on finding a vaccination against this pestilence.