I'm not consumed with worry, but as the ache is ever present, it's a constant reminder and it makes it hard not to think about it.

In 2004 it was "just" carcinoma in situ (i.e. non invasive cancer of the cells of the cervix, which carries about a 50/50 chance of becoming invasive) and the affected tissue was removed. The chances of reccurrence of abnormal cell in the tissue of the cervix of women treated for CIS is about 1/3 and the chances of the reccurrence being severe (CIN III, CIS or invasive cancer) are about 2/3.

The cell changes as seen by the gynogologist were moderate to severe. This is obviously only his view upon inspection and not the final word on the matter. He did a coloscopy and took cells from the surface (smear/pap) but did not perform a biopsy (which takes cells from the underlying tissue).

In England, the smear I had done in December 2004 (after bleeding and being in pain since September and being told it was just because I was fat) showed abnormal cells, but the biopsy I had done (in January 2005) was done at the same time as they removed the abnormal cells (under full anaesthesia). It wasn't until afterwards I was told the diagnosis.

This time I have to go for a pre-op thingy. Then the biopsy. Then, when they have the result (could be a couple of weeks) and if it's any grade of bad news, I shall have to go back for further procedures. If only I'd had the courage to have the biopsy done on October 1st, I'd be much closer to knowing what's what. But I just couldn't. Silly me.

But no, I'm not consumed with worry. And I know many more happy outcome stories than bad outcome ones. Even if it's bad news.

Which it won't be.

You know. 'Cos I've had words with God and my womb and we're all in agreement that I really, really don't want bad news.

I probably should've been a good girl and gone for regular smears after the op in January 2005. I've only had 1 smear since then, and that was just after Arthur was born. As I never had any feedback on that, I can only assume it was normal (though who knows - we all know what an incompetent tw!t my (ex)GP is, so maybe he just didn't bother to let me know! Might be worth finding out, actually. I digress.)

Research tells me that if I do have CIS or early stage cancer this time around, they will most likely suggest I have a hysterectomy. The irony. Only 6 months ago I contacted my doctor with serious considerations of having a hysterectomy to stop my debilitating PMDD once and for all. Now, of course, I no longer suffer from PMDD and was happy in the knowledge that my womb and I could live together for the rest of my life. I know having a hysterectemy means taking hormones and increased risk of osteoporosis and so forth, so it wasn't really something I actually wanted - only, I also didn't want PMDD. And at the time the PMDD was life threatening, so a hysterectomy was the lesser of two evils. We shall see, I guess.

I still haven't heard from the hospital with regards to the appt. for a biopsy or had the results of the smear. The coloscopy, which was done, revealed moderate to severe cell changes. I'm kicking myself that I didn't have the bälls to get the biopsy done there and then. I mean, it probably wouldn't have been any worse than the coloscopy anyways. Man, that stings! But when he gave the nurse that look and said "moderate to severe cell changes" I's like, get yer eyes off my mimsy and let me off this bed right now!

I'm not really very brave...

I'm thinking maybe I should ring the hospital tomorrow as I'm pretty much in constant pain now and although I am certain the biopsy will be horrible, the waiting plus the pain is not particularly enjoyable either.

But in other news, I've lost 80.5 lbs / 5st 10.5lb / 36.5kg and I'm >this< close to being overweight! Supreme effort, if I might say so myself!