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[<<|>>|08.06.06|17:59|Marriage is Looming!]


Hi.

Sorry I've not been keeping up with my co||ection. Raven's had a couple of bad days of being very clingy, so I've not really been able to get any time to myself. She's been crying whenever I've put her down and she's been wanting to feed all the time. But her dad is a wonderful support and takes her off me in the evening so I can get a break doing laundry, washing up, cooking or some other chore which I've begun to look forward to with excitement, because it gives me some alone time. Don't get me wrong � I still love being a mum and enjoy it more than I've enjoyed anything else I've ever done in my life, but when I've been on my own with her for 8 hours and when those 8 hours have been mostly crying or rendering me immobile by sucking my breast, I need some space � even if it means doing washing up.

A couple of guys we know who've just become dads don't do half as much as Adam around the house or with their new babies, but as I pointed out to Adam, their partners/wives have support from friends and family living near-by, so even if it means only having a cuppa with a sister or neighbour in the afternoon, they're not spending the whole long day on their own. I am. If I was living in Denmark near you or mum, you would come over or I would come visit you as often as possible, so I would get a break and get to hang out with grown-ups. Or even get a nap whilst someone else takes the baby. Like, anyone could take her for a couple of hours walk in her pram, cos she relaxes and never cries when she's on the move in that.

Anyways, it's all irrelevant, cos I don't live near you or mum and I am on my own, so it's up to me to get out there and get to know some people. Because we live in a so-called deprived area, there are actually quite a few offers for mums here � free yoga classes with free childcare, free baby swimming, free adult swimming with free childcare, free trips for mummy & buggy walks, free exercise classes with free childcare, free cooking classes, with free childcare etc. etc. I met a woman � well, rather � she was waiting to cross the lights at the crossing as was I, and we got talking � she had a little girl 2 years of age � and she was on her way to a coffee morning with some other mums. And she asked me to join them � just a private thing � at somebody's house � but I was on the way to the doctor's for a check-up so I had to decline, but it just goes to show that it can be done and I don't have to feel so isolated. But most of the free activities have waiting lists and we're going away in just 10 days, and I've only just stopped bleeding, plus my fanny still hurts, so I didn't want to start anything until after the wedding anyways. I'll make a concerted effort once we get back.

I just wanted to mention that it wasn't just Adam's non-reaction at the birth that upset me. It was the fact that I only got to hold her for like a second before they took her from me and then it was a long long while before I was allowed to hold her again � you, mum, and Adam all had ages with her whilst I was being stitched and unhooked from the anaesthetics. And the horrible way in which the midwife yanked my breast about when she wanted me to do the first breastfeed. Nothing intimate or nice about the experience AT ALL. And then she washed me right there in front of everyone, and it was humiliating and I felt very exposed. And then we were wheeled down to the ward, and she was put in that plastic crate on the side of my bed where I was still attached to the drop meaning I couldn't handle her � couldn't even cuddle her when she was upset � only talk to her, and ring the nurse to get her to help me when I wanted to hold her. It was all horrible and it makes me cry so much every time I think about it. I am so disappointed in the whole experience. Something, which should have been beautiful and precious was humiliating and horrible and I get so upset when I think of it. It makes me seriously consider not having any more children.

Don't want to talk any more about it.

Sebrina is coming to the wedding as well, so if you've got a spare stone, could you please make one for her as well.

I'm having bad dreams about the wedding � as in, how it all goes horribly wrong. I am not looking forward to it, but then, you already knew that. Too much like hard work. Too much like blah-blah-blah complaining, moaning family members. I've had just about enough and am about an inch away from calling the whole thing off. Adam is as well. And he's keener than ever on moving to Denmark as soon as possible. He's fed up with his family, I think. Well, I know he is.





Our little Raven on June 7th 2006. Have I mentioned how I wish we had a better digital camera?

It�s the next day now. Didn�t get to post this yesterday. Glad to report that my mother has now received the fabric from which the top part of my wedding outfit is to be created. Also, Raven and I went for our 6 week check-up at the GP�s today � she�s perfect, but I�m still infected. The doctor couldn�t believe I�d been going around with my bits still this sore and infected, but seeing as the antibiotics I was given before sisn�t have any effect, I just assumed I wasn�t infected and time would do the trick. I would go into details as to why I think the infection is there and especially why it�s not going away, but it�s gross, so I�ll spare you. Anyways, hope that all gets better by the time we�re married so we can have a special cuddle on our honeymoon. Imagine having a child, who sleeps a full 6+3 hours per night from birth and then not having the capacity to take advantage of this with special cuddles... the irony!

Only 8 days till we�re off to get married...


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[THAT WAY|NO WAY|THIS WAY]



Previous Co||ections:
[06.12.11|20:20|Some news... ]
[11.10.11|12:14|New Me, New Job, New Car]
[24.06.11|09:08|Surgery confession. ]
[19.06.11|17:01|Shame on me.]
[10.06.11|09:52|Further on my operation.]




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