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[<<|>>|28.04.08|12:48|The Lonely Snob Rant]


Saturday we went to my mum's for dinner. Marvin was there too. God, is it possible that my mother has found and started dating the dullest man on this planet? Dull and about as sharp as a marshmallow.

I had a bit of a moment in the garage / workshop after dinner. I went out into the garage to get a screwdriver. Being out there was strange. Although we've lived in many places over the years, the workbench and tool rack the same as has been around since I was born. The workbench was untidy and the tools no longer in their place � my father surely doesn't approve � but it was as though he'd only just stepped out. I picked up some tools, opened some of the little cigar cases, just kinda looking around, feeling the place and feeling so, so close to my dad. The one place where he always excelled and where he always had time and patience. Picking up a tool, knowing that it was his hand that had held this tool last � being able to rule over the workshop without him to see that something had been moved an inch from where it was supposed to be. Letting light and fresh air into a cigar box full of old screws and bolts that also held a little of my father's breath... It was intense and strange.



I went to baby group last Wednesday. Did I mention? Second time I met these ladies. I don't like them. At all. I lose all confidence in myself when around people like these 5 ladies. They talk over me, don't look me in the eye, don't listen and don't talk to me. It's really, really hard. It makes me feel so lonely and again, I sit here feeling that it was such a mistake leaving England. I know Raven loves her nursery and she wouldn't have been able to go to nursery in England cos we wouldn't have been able to afford it, but at least I would've had friends.

I think Adam is happier over here � in many ways, anyways. I think that he too is lonely. We only have each other. And the kids, of course. But it's just not enough.

Maybe I'm difficult. Maybe my mother is right. She really gets to me sometimes in that regard. I was telling her about one of the women, Maia, from Baby Group � how she'd said that breastfeeding is recommended to 6 months only and what a weirdo I was for breastfeeding Raven till she was 18 months (needless to say that I am the only one of the 6 mums who is exclusively breastfeeding and only one othe rmum is breastfeeding at all) and etc. etc. My mum doesn't say anything � just let me rant the way you let people rant when you don't agree with them or think they are somehow to blame for whatever they are ranting about. In the end I feel I have to clarify to my mum that I didn't answer back, get irate or even spoke up against Maia at baby group who was being an ignorant b*tch. I only said that WHO recommend exclusively breastfeeding your baby for 6 months and supplementing solids with breast until 24 months. That's all I said to her. She said it wasn't true and told me that her husband was a nurse. Oh?! Well, mine's an engineer. This last bit I only thought � didn't say. But as per usual my mum assumes I've gotten into some massive argument with the women about this that and the other and made them all feel stupid and bad about themselves and the choices they've made. But I didn't and I don't. Instead, I rant to the people I hope and expect to support me � like Adam and my mum.

It does so remind me of back when Ahmed Akkari attacked me and I � like in some weird Twin Peaks episode � got blamed for it. Like there's some special right given to people who disagree with me to treat me like shit because I'm simply so intolerable and provoking that they can use any means they see fit � including violence - in order to stop me expressing my views � views which I don't express half as often as I would if I had the balls.

At least Adam backed me up and showed sympathy with the fiasco of baby group. Interestingly, he thought it sounded like a power struggle that this Maia was fighting. Her little girl is the oldest in the group � she's from 15th of September so 7 months old against Arthur's 4. Arthur is the youngest. Anyways, so she seems to think she's the authority because she's already been through it all (never mind the fact that I have a two-year-old, meaning I realise I know NOTHING because Arthur is completely different from his sister). She was spouting all sorts of information at our fellow mums throughout the s�ance, so I should've picked up on that � some group dynamic where she was obviously the wise-woman. The one allowed to give advice and be the smart one. Being the newbie, I should've kept my head down and said nothing, I see that now. But only with the help of my wise-man who saw it immediately when I told him of the afternoon.

Example: when one of the mums, Leah, said how sad it was that her little boy no longer wanted to be breastfed, Maia said she shouldn't be sad cos he'd be fine on formula and as long as he was thriving it mattered not whether it was breast or formula. I didn't think this was Leah's issue. As in, I don't think that's what she meant when she said she was sad. So I said I could completely understand cos I thought it was really sad when I stopped breastfeeding Raven. The closeness you have when breastfeeding � the feeling of being needed and the feeling that there's something only you can give your child. And for Leah, the added feeling of rejection, as her little man actively rejected the breast when offered. So, I tried offering Leah some sympathy from this perspective, which was what made Maia go all Amazonian on me. Blah-blah formula � blah-blah breastfeeding only for UP TO 6 months � blah-blah-blah � yakkity-yakkity-yak! I really wasn't having a go at formula and I wasn't saying she couldn't have the closeness. But now � with the power struggle angle on it, I can see that she wasn't actually listening to what I was saying (and I wasn't understanding what she was doing either), cos obviously it had nothing to do with me offering emotional comfort to Leah whilst Maia was offering practical comfort. It was about me saying anything at all.

Furthermore, in Denmark, everyone knows that you have the freedom to do anything the way you want, but telling anyone else about the way you do things � in particularly if it's different to the way everyone else do things - then it means you feel superior, that you judge and look down on the way others do things. Say, if you were to tell others that you use cloth nappies, then you have also said that you look down on people who don't.

Cue other mum who suddenly burst out that her next baby would most definitely be a bottle baby cos no way would she be as unhappy and crying for 3 weeks every time she tried feeding her baby like she was this time. I'm na�ve, I admit it, but it wasn't till afterwards I realised what had happened. Basically I think she thought my showdown with Maia regarding the WHO breastfeeding recommendations where felt by her as an attack on her choice to formula feed. Which of course it wasn't. I don't give a shit what anyone else does.

I'm socially inept.

But yeah, so Baby Group is no success.

They discuss
pre-made baby-food brands... all seem to prefer Nestl�, which of course is boycotted in this household for their formula milk advertising campaigns in developing countries. I say nothing.
formula; brands and amounts. I say nothing.
bottles; brands and size of teat. I say nothing.
dummies; brands and shapes and sizes. I say nothing.
nappy brands. I say nothing.
washing powder. I say nothing.

It appears I have nothing in common with any of them and certainly have absolutely nothing to talk to them about. My baby doesn't eat solids and when he does, they won't be pre-made shop bought. Arthur doesn't have formula, bottles, dummies or disposables and the only washing powder allowed in this here house is non-bio, eco-friendly, skin-friendly, non-smelly, boring stuff of which very little can be said. And if I did say, I would must likely sound as though it was an attack on their choice, whatever that might be.

I'm obviously a very pretentious and thus a very lonely snob.

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[06.12.11|20:20|Some news... ]
[11.10.11|12:14|New Me, New Job, New Car]
[24.06.11|09:08|Surgery confession. ]
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