I'm in serious danger of overdosing on mandarines/clementines/satsumas. Does this season never end?

Tomorrow it's my youngest brother's 27th birthday - which means we'll no longer be the same age *pout* - oh well, I'll catch up in less than a year, so there *muhahah* My mum had kinda promised she was gonna get him a new coat and I wanted in. Normally, I find my own presents and send them home, but I really had no idea what to get him or how to find the time to get it, so I decided to buy in on her pressie... only she ended up not getting him the coat coz she thought it might be best that he came to try them out and choose one himself... in principle, this is a good idea, but it means I don't have anything for him, which makes me feel terrible. I am not a money-giver. It's fair enough if your best friend is saving up for a trip around the world or something and asks for money to do this or whatever, but my brother doesn't need money and giving him some seems dumb. I wanted to give him something to open on his birthday, that's all. I guess I should have sorted it myself then, if it really meant that much to me. Oh well... at least I sent him a really funny card that I know will make him laugh.

8 years ago on this day (January 19th, 1994) a very dear friend of mine L., committed suicide. She was 17. Only 3 weeks before I'd been in hospital for attempted suicide (foiled by my friend who is now a phychologist), and L. cried and hugged me and told me never to do such a thing again. I'm glad to see I was an inspiration!

I actually think about her a lot still. I often think about her when something happens in the world. I think to myself how she'll never know about this or that. She missed out on the internet to mention but one. And of course we all missed out on her. It's terrible to see what a broken heart can do to people.

Sometimes - often in fact - I wonder whether love is really worth so much pain. Being a linguist and all I obviously think it would be a very good idea to use the term love more appropriately. It is, after all, only a cover term for a whole group of sub-terms to describe our feelings towards eachother. I think it would also be worth considering the relationship between wounded pride and a broken heart. Another thing... if anyone really thinks their whole life and happiness depends on another human being, they are letting themselves in for some major disappointments. This is not different from being addicted to something. This is not different from being materialistic. If you cannot seperate loving from possessing, then love is bound to break your heart, coz no human can be possessed and depended on always and forever. People will let you down - others will help you up. People will break your heart - others will mend it. People will leave you - others will join you. People will lie to you - others will be honest. You cannot expect one person to be all good and never ever hurt you (just like you can't expect yourself never to hurt someone). That's like thinking the car you drive now will stay with you forever. It might, but it's not likely. If it does, then it's only coz you've been patient and good with it and because it happened to be a well made car fitting for your use. Yeah, and I do think love is becoming increasingly material and I do think it's an appropriate comparison. Love is something we measure ourselves by and we compare ourselves to others by measures of how "much" love we "have". Also, I think people take it far to personal if love happens to let them down. For heaven's sake, it's only one person out of 5 billion in the world. There'll be others and if you tell me that this is the only one you want, then you're stupid. That's like a kid screaming in the supermarket coz s/he wants candy "Mommy, mommy, I want candy!" - "We have candy at home, sweetie." - "No, I don't want stupid ugly candy at home - I want that candy!" - "But darling, we have the same kind at home. We really don't need to buy this as well!" - "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!". Come on... it's not that big a deal. Oh, and love can still be love even if it doesn't adhere to the Hollywood-ideal. There are other ways.

Let me just reiterate that the above is coming from someone who grew her hair for 4 long years for a guy she hasn't had any contact with whatsoever since 1998. I was a fool. From 1991 when we first started hanging out till 1998 when I last saw him, I was utterly convinced that he was the only person that would ever love me and that I would ever love. I think actually I may have believed this until the 16th of January 2001 when I finally had my hair cut. That was the end of it. I still consider him my nemesis, because I spent 10 years resisting all other emotions. 10 years. No wonder L. topped herself instead.

On with the Linguistics essay.