It's only just gone 8 o'clock, but it already feels like a very old day. That's because Arthur hasn't been sleeping well the last two nights. I blame the vaccinations. So, Adam's been sleeping in the spare room and Arthur's been in the big bed with me, and I've been a living (but half sleeping) dummy most of the night � well, since about 1:30 a.m. which is when he woke. Having only gone down just before 10 last night, it wasn't much sleep he or we had.

Later:

I've just cooked dinner. It's only lunchtime, but baby group is at 3, so if we're going to have a hot home cooked meal tonight, I had to prepare it now. We're having lasagne, so I'll put it together and put it in the oven, so it's ready to cook when I come home. That way, it should be all ready for about 5.30. I hope.

Today, I'm really sad. Some time ago, I realised something about myself which I hadn't known before. I get upset about money. It's odd, because � well, for one thing, we get by just fine, and for another, I really don't spend much money. Not on myself, anyways. But I get this overwhelming sense of sadness when get a red letter with an overdue payment and a penalty fee. Or a bill for a therapists visit which was pointless and didn't do shit. Suddenly, I find myself so, so low that all I can do is eat and feel like I'm choking on every bite. So, last time I felt like that, I did a think-tank with myself, going over all the possible things that could have made me feel like that before 10 on an average day. And then suddenly, as I was walking to the shop, it hit me. The bill. It was the bill. I suppose it boils down to something to do with feeling I've failed. Didn't pay the bill, so get a penalty which is pointless and totally avoidable. I never actually got the first bill, but that's also besides the point.

My mum has a boyfriend. For many complicated reasons, this also makes me sad. Not because don't want her to be happy � because I obviously do. But amongst many reasons why a daughter could feel odd about her recently widowed mother dating, is the was that she goes about it. She doesn't just come out and say it � she's being really secretive and shifty and it's most unappealing. Like for Raven's birthday, she was seeing him and therefore couldn't eat dinner with us, but she was all uhm, uhm, uhm about it rather than just, well, no I can't. Rah, it annoys the hell out of me. Yesterday, her mate was supposed to come over to help wall paper. I have an errand at the bank � I need to set up savings accounts for Arthur and Raven � so I'd asked my mum if she could take me yesterday. She said she could, but then, the day before, remembered the wallpapering she was doing, so rang me and said she couldn't. Okay, fine. But then I rang her yesterday to hear how they were getting on, and she is all shifty again. What? Well, her mate's son's poorly, so she didn't come over � so my mum rang Marvin and he was coming over before work to see my mum. Okay. I know I can't expect my mum to be my taxi service or anything, but I can't get to the bank myself. There's not even a bus to where my bank is, so I can't get there. And it is only a few miles from here, so we could've gone there before she was seeing Marvin � couldn't she have called me? I didn't even have to go there myself. They just need a copy of Arthur's birth certificate, then they'll activate the account (I already brought Raven's papers for them to copy) so she could've just picked it up and taken it for me. Anyways, then at 3 yesterday she came over. She was supposed to go to a meeting with her diabetes group, but was complaining how she couldn't be arsed. Fine, I said, don't go. Then shiftiness commenced again. It turned out she was only in the neighbourhood because she needed some yeast to bake some bread for when Marvin was coming over later after he'd finished work � which was also why she couldn't be arsed to go to the meeting � she'd made other plans.

And that's just one aspect of why this my mum dating thing is annoying the hell out of me. As Adam says, to see more of him, she'd have to stop working! I'm not in favour of her seeing him that often. But then, I wasn't in favour of the affair my mum was having when my dad was still alive. Maybe I'm just a prude. Marvin and mum have only been seeing each other for two weeks, for chrissake! Adam says they'll soon get bored of each other because they're together all the time. Hm. Maybe. I'm not really in favour of that either.

He's coming 'round hers this weekend again to do some work on the house for her. Okay... wtf? Isn't that getting a little bit too involved a little too quickly? Whatever.

Thursday the 1st of May is a bank holiday, so on the Friday the 2nd Raven is staying home from nursery as well. I'm a little scared being home alone with both of them, so I thought maybe my mum would like to do something so I sent her a text asking if she was doing anything on the 2nd of May. She rang me when she received the text. Uhm why, she wanted to know. Shifty as hell. I felt like hanging up there and then. But I didn't. �I thought maybe you'd like to do something with Raven, Arthur and me.� �What?� she said. �Ehem... I don't know...� �Oh, so nothing specific. Well, the car is being serviced by [guy she had an affair with] and so I haven't got a car from Thursday till Saturday.� RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Just fucking say that, then!!! Why the fuck does it matter what I'm planning or not planing to do? If you can't fucking do it, then fucking just say so! (Can you tell I'm annoyed???) So, she then continues to say that she arranged with Marvin to take her to work that Thursday evening and pick her up in the morning on the Friday �yeah, I don't know if I'll be staying at his or he'll be staying at mine!� You what? So, I said to her that Adam was going to cycle to work on the Friday as he wasn't taking Raven to nursery, so she could use our car (you could've just asked), but oh no, that really wasn't necessary.

So, I'm annoyed.

Gosh, it's nice to get rid of some of my venom. It's been a while, eh, since I've really venomed in me Co||ection. I know 'venomed' isn't actually a word, but it should be. So there.

My breastfeeding shoulder pain sends a dull throbbing ache up into my neck and head behind my ear and into my jar on the left side of me. I desperately need to get into better shape. As it is, I wouldn't even hire me!

What also annoys me is this new Danish keyboard of mine. The � is located where the ' is located on the English keyboard I'm used to, so I keep mistyping. I write I�m instead of I'm and so forth. Annoying.

I'm lonely.