My grandmother died Sunday evening. A long and good life, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet.

Can't stop thinking about the pictures of the children I never got around to sending her, the phone call I never managed to return and so forth. I know that's normal and all that, but it's only "normal" because almost all of us are "guilty" of neglecting those tiny little but most important of gestures to let our loved ones know we care. I was putting together photos for this years photo wall calendar this weekend and was so excited about sending one to my grandmother. She really, really loved getting hers every year.

Ironically, it wasn't the cancer that killed her in the end. It was a simple stroke. I was expecting to get the call that she was now in intensive care from being near the end with her terminal cancer - I was expecting to be able to make it over to Copenhagen to say goodbye.

I'm glad we all went over to see her in February.

I feel a bit in a parallel world right now. I can't believe I'm going to yet another effing funeral! It's not even 3 years since my dad died and it's only been a few months since my uncle passed and the other had a stroke leaving him severily disabled. And now my grandmother. Adam is beginning to understand why I have so many black dresses!

The funeral is tomorrow. My mum's coming to pick me up at 7 in the morning and then she, my brother and I are driving all the way to Copenhagen - it's a 5 hour drive. I'd rather fly, but my mum's not keen, so we'll drive. I've had a wreath made for my gran and it's gorgeous. If nothing else, Autumn funerals do lend themselves to some spectacular floral arrangments. I love the colours this time of year and remember more vividly than anything the fiery leaves on the tree outside the window at the hospital where my dad died.

I do take comfort in the fact that my grandmother had a long and good life and that her death was sudden and merciful, but my heart is broken and I miss her already. I keep thinking I'll "see" her tomorrow and then have to remind myself that I won't actually. That I won't ever. And that sucks.