Breastfeeding has come to an end. I didn't want it to, but it had become too painful (due to sore nipples) and therefore stressful for both of us to continue. I'm sad because I wanted to continue until Raven was two, but on the other hand, I'm proud that I was able to continue for this long considering just how bloody horrible it's been for the last 6 months due to nipples being so sore. Besides, it'll only be another 8 weeks or so till another sprog hangs from the breasts. If Raven then decides she wants a taste and providing she's till able to suckle, I probably will let her.

I'm having massive fears about my labour. Fears I never had when I was expecting Raven, but fears, which I'm quite sure have come because of the terrible experience labour was with her.

My dad's been in the hospital for about 4 weeks now. On Sunday evening, the doctors decided it was best to move him to another hospital because his kidneys were failing (same disease as I am having frequent scans to ensure Arthur doesn't have). On the way to the hospital he lost consciousness and upon arrival was put on life-support. He has not gained consciousness since Sunday and is currently being kept in a coma. He's not breathing by himself (has severe smokers lungs), he's on dialysis and tonnes of meds to keep his heart beating. Today, his stomach stopped working. He'll be 70 on Wednesday (Halloween), but if there's no improvement within the next 24-48 hours, life-support will be turned off. Adam took the day off yesterday and took me to the hospital so I could say my goodbyes. I've not spoken to my dad for many, many years. He and my mum are still married and living together, but I chose years ago that he should not be part of my life. He was an alcoholic and used to beat my mum and my brothers and has subjected my mum to life-threatening assaults so many times. He was diagnosed a psychopath many years back.

... But he's still my dad and he has been sterling with Raven, who seems to have brought light into his life that noone else could ever do. He asked for her shortly before he lost consciousness. She's not been with my mum to see him for a while because she (and I) have had a massive flu/cold thing going on and therfore could not go to the hospital. I'm glad, though, that he did get to meet her and that he's miserable life was brigtened even if it was just a little spark, and I was obviously tell Raven when she grows how she was loved by him.

I've cried loads, but I think it's tears for all that should and could have been more than the soon-to-be loss of a man who wasted his life.